When Heaven Holds A Piece of Your Heart

Monday, October 21, 2013
All this heartache has me thinking….thinking about heaven….thinking about HOME….My dear friend whose husband passed away last week unexpectedly leaving her with three small boys.
…Our precious Yaya’s inconsolable tears over the untimely death of her 10 year old nephew this weekend following his battle with leukemia.
….Another friend, (a “daddy’s girl”) laying her father to rest and moving home to care for her aging mother.
…And our own personal journey of grief as we have mourned the loss of a baby to miscarriage this summer.

We had not shared the news yet with anyone.
For 10 weeks, I was biding my time with cruel morning sickness accentuated by the polluted city smells and Thai street food stalls.  My plan was to wear a cute “Made in Thailand” maternity shirt home when I went back to the States for my sisters wedding to announce our surprise to my family.
But that moment alone in a Thai hospital…..with C out of the country…..the doctor confirmed there was no heartbeat, and my dreams dissolved into tears.

This process of grief.  Of longing and pain and wishing to rewind….or fastforward….or “skip” the chapter that holds so much hurt.
We know that Jesus wept too.

But death doesnt only rear its ugly head in the physical sense.  There is no one exempt. We all deal with grief.  We all encounter disillusionment.  “Death” is a part of our daily lives and relationships.
We die to ideals, to dreams………and at times, to hope.

This world, so full or heartache and pain and injustice.  Its all around us.  Our homes, our marriages, our communities and our jobs.

This fallen world.
So far from Eden!

Im usually the forever optimist.  I love life.  I dont find it challenging to find joy daily in my blessed life full of little people and their little worries.  Innocence is bliss and my 6 children’s’ naive perspective is infectious.  But this week my heart has been heavy.  The rose colored glasses I viewed life through….frankly, Im kinda over it!  Im growing more discontent with what at times has brought me stability.  My settled, comfortable life which once held such luster, is fading and phony.  Im not drinking the Kool Aid anymore.  The protective walls Ive erected have been battered and beaten…..and Im coming to terms with the fleeting nature of life as we know it.

And it leaves me longing.
Longing for heaven.
Longing for home.

I think my perspective on this first began to shift in the early months following Evie’s brush with death. In the weeks after, so full of questions and doubt, we saw other heart-babies like our Evie whom God called home early.  And my heart broke in a way it has never quite recovered from.
Encountering the reality that everything that I held dearest could be taken away from me in an instant…..and watching a Godly grieving mother embrace hope after unspeakable loss and tragedy…..forced me to begin taking a long hard look at the reality that this world indeed is not our home.

These verses have come to mind often as I have been praying for my dear widowed friend Carla this week:

1 Thess 4:13
“We do not grieve as those who have no hope”

“Where, O death is your victory?
Where, O death is your sting?
…He gives us the victory through our Lord Jesus Christ”
(1 Corinthians 15:55)

Death is inevitable.  And for those of us allowed to linger, that loss is an unbearable burden to bear.  But, we are not without hope.  This spinning world is not our home!  We were made for more.  And eternity beckons.

Im reading Randy Alcorns book Heaven.
Im devouring the biblical outline for the hope that is ours if we are in Christ.  It resonates with the premonition in my heart that we were created for more…and that one day, this will pass, and we will be face to face with our Savior.

Having two babies in heaven now means Im a little less enthralled with this world, and a little more eager for heaven.  When I consider the earthly world my other 6 children are currently living in, it makes me homesick…for heaven.  We’re not really “compatible” here.  There’s something better waiting!  In this is our great hope!
Im brought comfort when the children reference our baby Sophia being in heaven with baby Matthew.
I now have two babies who will never know the pain of this world.  Their reality is what I long for.  But, until that day, heaven holds a piece of my heart and leaves me longing for the day this world fades and all we have seen dimly, we then will see clearly.  Im longing for when He returns to bind up the broken hearts and wipe away every tear.  Come Lord Jesus, come!!

Revelation 21:4
“He will wipe every tear from their eyes, and there will be no more death or sorrow or crying or pain.  All these things are gone forever”


For anyone feeling led to pray or help Carla at this time, this is the information Ive been given on her needs and how we can help:

  • Anon says:

    Oh this post makes me cry. I spent a good hour or more reading your blog last night. I read about the loss of your baby while you were in Ukraine and I cried, I bawled about reading Evie’s story and I am crying now because loss sucks!

    I too believe, no I know that there is more after this life, much much more I believe like you that there is better to come. God is real, God loves us and I truly know that your babies are in the arms of a loving Heavenly Father.

    A few years ago thinking I was done having kids the thought came to me and my husband that there was another one wanting to join our family. I became pregnant right away and I knew, KNEW with all my heart it was a baby girl. I could feel her little spririt immediately, the connection was real and it was beautiful. I cherished that baby, when I went to the dr. I saw a beautiful perfect heartbeat. This was right before Christmas, 2 days after Christmas she was gone. I will forever be grateful to God for letting me have that experience after the Holidays and not before.

    I think I cried buckets for the last 6 months. Lastnight when I went to bed I wanted to send you a comment asking you so many questions about your life because I was so intrigued and happy reading about your adventurous life but we all do have trials.

    You are beautiful not only on the outside but I can feel thru your words that you are on the inside as well. Im so incredibly sorry for your loss for the loss of those that you love. You are an inspiration.

  • I always look forward to reading your blogs and this one really hit home! I have been very blessed in the fact that I have not had to deal with death until 3 months ago… My sister lost her son Andrew at 40 weeks and 4 days. She described her situation in a way no mother should ever have to describe:

    As many of you already know, our precious Andrew Cole was born July 23 at 8:50 pm sleeping. A day that has FOREVER changed Stephen and I. He was such big boy weighing in at 9 pounds 8 ounces and was 21 1/2 inches long. Simply beautiful and perfect in every way.

    My pregnancy with Andrew was enjoyable. The nine months went fast without a single issue. I felt great and loved being pregnant wi…th our little bundle. He was always very active and loved kicking his momma.

    I had gone in that morning for my last appointment with the doctor and was ready to be induced. I was 40 wks and 4 days. My doctor was back from vacation and was happy to see Andrew had waited for his return. My bags were packed and in the car. Before the doctor checked me out one last time, we discussed to go ahead with induction that day. I was super excited.

    He began with measuring my belly which showed Andrew was right on track with his growth. Next, he was to listen to his heartbeat. A moment in time I will NEVER forget. I saw panic and disbelief in the doctors’ face as he searched and searched for one. He looked up at me with pure shock and said “I can’t find a heartbeat.” We immediate moved to the ultrasound room only to confirm our precious Andrew was no longer with us. He was already in the arms of our heavenly Father.

    The day became a blur from there.

    A massive amount of blood along with the cord and placenta was sent off for testing to try and determine why this had happened. Anything that could be tested for was tested. Every test came back completely normal. He was a perfectly healthy little boy. There is no reason for what happened.

    I feel beyond blessed to be his mommy and to have carried him for nine months.

    We are eternally grateful for the amount of support and love from family and friends. We could not have made it through the initial shock of losing Andrew had it not been for the support of our love ones. We had a beautiful grave side service in Garrison with family. He is buried behind his great grandparents.

    I find tremendous comfort in Psalm 139:16 – “Your eyes saw my unformed body; all the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be.” I know Andrew was meant to be our second son and is very much a part of our family. It is not the way I planned but exactly how God has planned.

    Andrew’s beautiful spirit will always be with us. We have two precious boys. One in Heaven and one on Earth.

    I am so proud of my sister and her husband for giving this all to God.
    The grieving process is a life changing thing no matter who you are grieving for. Thank you for sharing your process and the beautiful words of inspiration!


  • Rachel C says:

    I’m so, so sorry for your losses. You have such a beautiful way with words. Thank you for sharing.

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