…Our precious Yaya’s inconsolable tears over the untimely death of her 10 year old nephew this weekend following his battle with leukemia.
….Another friend, (a “daddy’s girl”) laying her father to rest and moving home to care for her aging mother.
…And our own personal journey of grief as we have mourned the loss of a baby to miscarriage this summer.
We had not shared the news yet with anyone.
For 10 weeks, I was biding my time with cruel morning sickness accentuated by the polluted city smells and Thai street food stalls. My plan was to wear a cute “Made in Thailand” maternity shirt home when I went back to the States for my sisters wedding to announce our surprise to my family.
But that moment alone in a Thai hospital…..with C out of the country…..the doctor confirmed there was no heartbeat, and my dreams dissolved into tears.
This process of grief. Of longing and pain and wishing to rewind….or fastforward….or “skip” the chapter that holds so much hurt.
We know that Jesus wept too.
But death doesnt only rear its ugly head in the physical sense. There is no one exempt. We all deal with grief. We all encounter disillusionment. “Death” is a part of our daily lives and relationships.
We die to ideals, to dreams………and at times, to hope.
This world, so full or heartache and pain and injustice. Its all around us. Our homes, our marriages, our communities and our jobs.
This fallen world.
So far from Eden!
Im usually the forever optimist. I love life. I dont find it challenging to find joy daily in my blessed life full of little people and their little worries. Innocence is bliss and my 6 children’s’ naive perspective is infectious. But this week my heart has been heavy. The rose colored glasses I viewed life through….frankly, Im kinda over it! Im growing more discontent with what at times has brought me stability. My settled, comfortable life which once held such luster, is fading and phony. Im not drinking the Kool Aid anymore. The protective walls Ive erected have been battered and beaten…..and Im coming to terms with the fleeting nature of life as we know it.
And it leaves me longing.
Longing for heaven.
Longing for home.
I think my perspective on this first began to shift in the early months following Evie’s brush with death. In the weeks after, so full of questions and doubt, we saw other heart-babies like our Evie whom God called home early. And my heart broke in a way it has never quite recovered from.
Encountering the reality that everything that I held dearest could be taken away from me in an instant…..and watching a Godly grieving mother embrace hope after unspeakable loss and tragedy…..forced me to begin taking a long hard look at the reality that this world indeed is not our home.
These verses have come to mind often as I have been praying for my dear widowed friend Carla this week:
1 Thess 4:13
“We do not grieve as those who have no hope”
“Where, O death is your victory?
Where, O death is your sting?
…He gives us the victory through our Lord Jesus Christ”
(1 Corinthians 15:55)
Death is inevitable. And for those of us allowed to linger, that loss is an unbearable burden to bear. But, we are not without hope. This spinning world is not our home! We were made for more. And eternity beckons.
Im reading Randy Alcorns book Heaven.
Im devouring the biblical outline for the hope that is ours if we are in Christ. It resonates with the premonition in my heart that we were created for more…and that one day, this will pass, and we will be face to face with our Savior.
Having two babies in heaven now means Im a little less enthralled with this world, and a little more eager for heaven. When I consider the earthly world my other 6 children are currently living in, it makes me homesick…for heaven. We’re not really “compatible” here. There’s something better waiting! In this is our great hope!
Im brought comfort when the children reference our baby Sophia being in heaven with baby Matthew.
I now have two babies who will never know the pain of this world. Their reality is what I long for. But, until that day, heaven holds a piece of my heart and leaves me longing for the day this world fades and all we have seen dimly, we then will see clearly. Im longing for when He returns to bind up the broken hearts and wipe away every tear. Come Lord Jesus, come!!
“He will wipe every tear from their eyes, and there will be no more death or sorrow or crying or pain. All these things are gone forever”