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Imperfect Mothering
Mothers Day has me thinking…
I sometimes wonder how I might have mothered differently if we had waited to have children.
I was young.
On my twenty-first birthday, barely a month after my wedding, I stared down at two pink positive lines. Elated and overwhelmed tears mingled.
It was no surprise to anyone else….everyone knew I wanted babies. But I hadn’t even figured out the being-a-wife thing. The “honeymoon” phase was short lived. By our first anniversary, we had 2 month old twins! I began the year “playing house” as the young blushing bride, and soon felt the gravity of this new life when the cumulative sleep depravation set in from all night cluster-feedings with our double-trouble first borns. What followed were foggy consecutive years of pregnancy, breastfeeding, baby wearing, trans-Atlantic moves, and sleepless nights for two naively happy but tired parents. Having babies may be the most selfless thing any of us choose to do. It rattles your sanity, shakes out your selfishness and annihilates your independence. When Evie arrived, we knew the blessing and burden of 5 children 5-years-old and under. Thats a cumulative 3 years of pregnancy and many months of breastfeeding!! Hormones took a toll and tears were often unexplainable. Our marriage struggled under the weight of responsibility and I found that some unresolved hurt in my heart came percolating to the top with the pressure of parenting.
I have many happy memories of the early years, but I was young and emotionally ill-equipped. I look back at times with waves of regret over not doing things perfectly and introspective refection of how Id do it differently all over. I know the things Id change. I think Id slow down and be a more fun mom for my kids. Its easy to convince myself Id do it better if I was starting now. Part of me wishes Id “gotten my act together” before bringing babies into my mess. Would I have done it all right, made fewer mistakes, been a healthier individual and shepherded their hearts more intentionally if Id been older, wiser, more mature? It strikes me tho that having kids is much like the decision to marry….you’re never really “ready”. Waiting for that mark of distinction and certainty of preparedness can be a dangerous dabbling and would likely result in none of us ever procreating. 12 years into parenting I realize yes, there are things I could have done better, but you never actually arrive. Motherhood is not a position we are qualified for, but a calling He equips us for as we go.
As is so often true of the biblical examples we have of those God calls for a special purpose, we don’t have a blueprint for where we are going and what is expected. Those He calls He often doesn’t tell where they are going or for what He is going to use them. He simply asks them to follow. The bible has a rich history of women and men who are used for special purposes for which they have precious little training and ability for. Motherhood is that; a calling! A high calling. A rewarding calling. Being called doesn’t necessarily equate to preparedness, but willing, imperfect instruments who acknowledge their reliance on Him are those He chooses to use. I tell myself that maybe if Id read more books or attended a different seminar, then I could have avoided imperfect mothering.
But my heart knows better.
My heart tells me that Im coming at this all the wrong way. God doesn’t need me to produce perfect children. Im not even guaranteed that if I do everything right, the result will be healthy, happy, wise, independent, selfless, contributing, godly kids. If only it were as simple as a vending machine – put in a quarter, push a button, get what you paid for. Perhaps my perspective on what God intends to accomplish through mothering is all backwards…….What if God is using my kids to refine in me that which needs the grace of Christ to pervade in my heart because I can’t muster up the strength on my own to “do it right”. God is using this high calling of motherhood to graciously reveal my need for his saving grace….daily!
And in regards to qualification…..pfft…..who of us are actually really “qualified”? Do you know any mothers with degrees in nursing, entertainment, nutrition, psychology and culinary arts? Waiting for the right credentials to be a mom would mean putting off parenting for a long time.
Talking to a couple whom I attended a birth for recently gave me some perspective. They were a month out from delivery, and dealing with the same insecurities and emotions I vividly remember from our early days as parents. The difference was, they had waited until they were “ready”. They’d meticulously calculated when a baby would fit into their lives and plans and moves and careers. And they emphasized the added strain of reacquainting themselves with each other. Even after several years of marriage, their relationship had changed so drastically with the arrival of a baby. The dynamics in their relationship they found was having to change. They were working hard….and loved each other dearly….but growing pains hurt! It was validating to know that even the best laid plans still produce the same result….moms who need a lot of grace and a lot of coffee.
And for that Im grateful….C and I never had the luxury of leisure to overcome. Having babies while we were young meant we never did get set in a routine of sleeping in on the weekends and personal time wasn’t something we’d developed a huge appetite for. The pressure of parenting and the strain it puts on any marriage gave us the opportunity to deal with a lot that could have lied dormant if we’d waited until we were “ready” to have kids.
So Im grateful. Even as I try to suppress the doubts that crop up at times about how I could have been a better mom and made fewer mistakes, Im so thankful for the 12 blessedly-imperfect years Ive been honored to have them call me mommy. I wouldn’t want it any other way. My kids haven’t read any parenting books so they don’t know (yet) what a “perfect” mom is supposed to look like. They graciously forgive my shortcoming, cut me more slack than I cut myself, and love me unconditionally. Grateful for this messy, taxing, beautiful, rewarding, grace-led calling of imperfect mothering.
Making the Need Known
I just returned from spending the last 4 days with some of our partners ministries in India. The national leaders who are implementing the values of Saturation Church Planting told me story after story of the incarnational transformation that is taking place in the lives of those in their midst. Please check our Ministry Minute page for a full report.
Place of Refuge in Shevgaon
After 12 years in ministry, we have been reminded countless times of Gods faithful provision as we have lived and operated on support and seen His creative ways of meeting our needs. With that in mind, we wanted to take a moment to share with you the crossroads that we are at in our life and offer you the opportunity to pray with us for God to make His next step clear.…
Our move to Bangkok a year-and-a-half ago was to facilitate proximity to the work in India which had been growing and requiring more and more interaction on a regular basis from C. Currently we are working with over 200 individual church networks scattered across 12 states in India. Over the past 5 years, this work has been supported by a few grants and generous donors one time gifts. As those come to an end, we are left with a $90,000 deficit in the 2014 ministry budget for the ongoing Indian work.
Slum in which SCP churches are being planted
Desiring to be good stewards and prudent, we are faced with the possibility that we may need to consider a next step in the near future if support does not come in to sustain the Indian work. If this is God’s way of moving us on, we will embrace that move with joy. But if He desires us to continue mentoring leaders in India through Saturation Church Planting, we wanted to make the need known and give you the opportunity to partner with us. Would you please pray with us for confirmation from God by financial provision if we are to stay and continue this work? There is an option to donate below if you feel so led. Please do take some time to read the compelling stories on the Ministry Minute page of how God is using SCP as a transforming tool in the life of the Church of India.
With humble gratitude for your prayers,
M & C and family
Gia and Aun
Her childhood was anything but stable. Gia’s dad came from affluent Bollywood and all that implies. Her parents ran away and had a court marriage when they became pregnant with Gia, considered aborting her. Gia was delivered into a family with intense clashed between her mom’s catholic family and her dad’s muslim background. Neither side of the family accepting of the marriage or welcoming of Gia. Even as a toddler, Gia remembers the carousing, drinking, orgies, gambling and fast living in her home that were the backdrop for her childhood.
From the ripe age of 4, Gia remembers feeling demonic presence in the house. Her fear would intensify whenever the muslim call of prayer would take place. When she was 5 years old, Gia remembers standing at the window when the call for prayer went up. She remembers crying out “I want to know the truth. I want to know the Truth”. At that moment, she had a vision of Jesus standing beside her and the fear was washed away. “I understood immediately that there was power in the name of Jesus. Not in the Koran. Not in Islam. Not in Allah.” For the first time that night, she had no fear of the dark and sensed the presence of the Holy Spirit with her.
And while she carried Truth with her, Gia’s life was about to go from bad to worse. At 6 years old, Gia was thrown out of the house by her father. Her mom, finally tiring of his chasing after other women, walked out on the family. The society places value on boys over girls, so Gia’s dad kept Gia’s little brother and turned her out on the street telling her to go find her mother. “I felt no fear because I knew Jesus was with me. I felt joy and freedom to follow Jesus with no Islam in my life”.
Indian kids grow up with a kind of street-smart that is inconceivable to us in the west. Gia found her mom and lived with her. When her mom got a job teaching at a Christian boarding school, Gia was provided with the opportunity to get a Christian education.
As a young adult, Gia met her future husband Aun. Her dream of a white wedding in a church was not an option. Aun at this time was a Bohra Muslim and it didn’t take long for their unequally yolked religions to wreak havoc on their marriage.
Gia laments that she had two abortions during this time. Not wanting to bring children into the mess of her marriage, she was deceived into thinking that she was protecting her babies by ending their lives. And yet, even with so much devastation, broken relationships and woundedness, God had a plan for redemption and to use Gia’s testimony for good in her life and for Gods glory!
Desiring to honor God with her marriage even as bad as it was, Gia prayed fervently for her husband, fasting and asking God to bring him to Himself. Gia says “I learned to be quiet and just pray”. Humbly and with his permission, Gia would pray for him when he had ulcers and migraines….and immediately he would be healed. In time, Aun committed his life to the Lord and God blessed them with 3 children, Nathaniel, Nathan and Abigail.
Gia ministering to slum kids in Bandra
Aun and Gia moved 17 times in 25 years of marriage – evangelizing neighborhoods wherever they went. 5 years ago, they were introduced to Saturation Church Planting. Before this time, their frame of reference for church planting was constructing a building….which didn’t resonate with their hearts. With tears in her eyes, Gia shared how influential SCP has been to them to be able to equip their people with the values of intimacy with God and how to use their giftings and grace story. She describes it as transformational.
“SCP brought words to our doings” says Aun.
They elaborated that SCP provided authentic relationships with leadership who offered direction and mentoring and a safe place to grow.
The concept of “church planting” became transformed lives for Christ rather than a constructed buildings to gather people.
Praying for healing for a 57 year old invalid
Out of this home, God has used these willing vessels as key instruments to see his Church flourish. Aun and Gia, knowing that travel is impossible for the people in the Bandra slums in Mumbai, have positioned themselves among those people. They live on the outskirts of the slums where they can daily interact with these people and minister to them. From their congregation that meets in a shack down a sketchy alleyway, they have raised up women and men who have gone back to their slums and planted churches. Additionally, these passionate believers have taken Christ back to their villages of origin and seen them evangelized for Christ.