Dont Settle For Someone Who Loves You More Than Anything!!

Letter to my daughter about the man you will one day marry:

There is no shortage of opinions about finding your “happily ever after”. Books. Marriage seminars. Youth group campaigns for purity. Singles support groups about waiting for the right one. Online dating services. Romance novels. Chic Flicks. Premarital Counseling. Mentor programs. Some are useless or absurd, but you might find some useful nuggets along the way. And somewhere amidst the bombardment of information, my dear daughter, you’ll begin to formulate ideals for what the guy will be like that you’ll marry. A mental checklist starts to emerge. Some things on your list will be superficial….In my case, at 6’ 2”, it helped narrow the field to know I never wanted to date someone shorter than me.

Some might be common sense……agreed, don’t date a 30 year old who still lives at home with his parents.

And others might be strictly attraction based and superfluous…..I wanted to marry a California surfer dude – and I did.

And sandwiched in there between your expectations of him being sensitive, romantic and buff, you’ll probably include a desire that he be a man of integrity, that he love the Lord and a hope that he be an awesome guitarist who loves to lead praise and worship.
It cant be helped. Ideals and attraction are human. And finding that perfect guy who adores you just might happen.

But there is one crucial piece of a budding romances based on these “lists” that make them destine for failure. If they’re lucky, the facade falls apart before they say I do. But often, it unravels after the vows are said and real life takes over. And here it is…..in a relationship Dear Daughter, don’t settle for someone who loves YOU more than he loves the Lord!!

We are all star-struck by the iconic figures on the screen who coin phrases like “You make me the man I want to be”. We swoon when hear Jerry MaGuire passionately whisper “You complete me” and when we are told “Im a better person when Im with you”, our heart swells and of course we want to believe that. But aside from the well intending romantic notions, if you look deeper, you see these statements are selfish and manipulative and dangerous.

We want to believe we are all that to our men. We’re flattered…..and naive to believe them.
Because dear one, we as women were never designed to meet the needs of our husbands in that way. We cant change them. We cant make them into something other than what they are now. They may feel empowered by the love and adoration of a wonderful girl, but true transformation doesn’t take place based on this. And even if your guy loves, adores you, treats you well, puts you first, sacrifices for you, but isn’t more passionate about God than he is about you, then your marriage is headed for unnecessary heart ache.

Because, daughter of mine, the things about you that are so wildly attractive and fetching and that help him rise to the occasion right now, might not always come so easily to you. You are not perfect and you will act at times in unlovable ways. You will inadvertently hurt each other. And life someday will weigh heavily on your now slender shoulders. There will be seasons that physical attraction will fizzle out at times.  Stretch marks, sleep deprivation and hormones will wreak havoc. Stress of raising little ones will take a toll. Strain of work and supporting a family will be all consuming. And sin and selfishness will rear their ugly heads at times for both of you!

If your man loves you first and foremost above all else, I can guarantee you there will be cracks in the foundation of your commitment, because you will fail. You will fail dear girl!!  If his commitment is to you alone in marriage, its a temptation to back out when you dont keep up your end of the bargain. And the same is said of him, when you see him struggle with temptation or fail to defend you or speak harshly or respond insensitively, you’ll doubt his love and will question his commitment and insecurities will chip away at your heart. But……but when a marriage commitment is made first to God, and secondly to eachother, that is an unshakable foundation!

Your daddy and I will celebrate 13 years of marriage this week.

And by the time you read this one day, we will have many more years as husband and wife (many….many…..many more years before you are allowed to even think about marriage)  🙂

You have seen our marriage up close and personal. Its not perfect, but its perfecting. We fight. We make up. We work hard on differences and clashes in our personalities that don’t always contribute to a harmonious relationship. We have learned to forgive quicker and extend grace more generously. But, I don’t doubt our marriage will stand the test of time, because of the one thing I saw in your daddy from the early days of our blossoming romance – He loved the Lord. Passionately.

Recklessly.

Incomparably.

And he seeks God with his whole heart.  He spends time listening.  And he has a teachable sprit. When he’s hardheaded and resistant to me, God still gets through. And when Im that “drippy faucet” nagging wife, daddy might tune me out, but he is listening to the still small voice.  (In fact, its when I shut up that he can hear God a lot more clearly sometimes!)

Ill be honest about 2 things;
1) I am genuinely more joyful, fulfilled and hopeful in my marriage today after sharing a bed with this man for 4,745 nights than I was on our honeymoon.
2) There were times in our 13 years together that I would have lost hope of our marriage working if I didn’t know beyond the shadow of a doubt that your daddy loved the Lord more than he loved me. That truth gives me incomparable assurance and security.

And here is the key….
The assurance that my husband loved the Lord and was hearing from the Lord has saved me from a despair on more than one occasions. Because I knew God would change him….I didn’t have to change him. And that kept me from loosing hope. Because my faith in God was bigger than my faith in your daddy. And because I knew that he was listening and responding to Him and that in Gods timing, He makes all things beautiful.

So honey, be content with second place in his heart. Encourage him to pursue a love affair with the Lord which will reap the greatest benefits of intimacy and growth in your marriage. It is here that “happily ever after” begins.

Slipping Through My Fingers

Bless the teachers of our school.  Its kinda like the Herdmans from “The Best Christmas Pagent Ever”.  Whether they pass or not, you’d better promote the Smith kid in your class up to the next grade because there is always another one coming behind!!

We did it.  We survived.  Sometimes the anticipation is worse than the actual event we dread s much….such was the case with the first day of school this year.  Im not gonna lie, momma may have had some misty eyes, but I made it through the little “opening ceremony” speech I was asked to give at the school without making a totally blubbering fool of myself.

And just like that….she’s off to First Grade!

Its no mistake she’s with the teacher that she has!  Ms R is SUPER organized and my need-to-know-the-plan, type A Evie-girl will THRIVE under that kind of tutelage!   Evie has been super tired coming home from school the past two days….she’s a homebody and is content with some solitude each day, so this is a stretch.  But I think in a week or two, she’ll be used to the new schedule and able to keep up.  This will be good for her and I think we’ll see her grow up so much this year!   We’ve had meetings with her teacher, the principal and all the support staff about Evie’s history and keeping an eye on her and I feel much more comfortable that they are aware and conscientious.

C came to me Sunday night with concern on his face.  He must really think Im loosing my marbles with this whole letting Evie go to school thing because he totally thought Id dropped the ball.  “Um…..Evie says she doesn’t have a backpack.  What’s she supposed to take to school tomorrow?”

I very well might come home from dropping my kids off at school and crawl back in bed and pull the covers over my head, but rest assured…..I did NOT forget to get Evie a cute backpack for the first day of school!

My dear friend Lydia from Layne James Embroidery bailed me out as she has so many times before and helped me come up with a cute stylish solution to our backpack dilemma.  (hard to find the boutique styles I love here in Bangkok!)  She sent these  to me through Tristan a couple weeks ago.  All three of my elementary girls were super stylish walking into their new grades toting their cute book bags.  Thanks Lydia!!

Please take a moment to check out Layne James Embroidery and Design’s back to school basics….backpacks….lunch boxes….water bottles….teacher gifts and all things embroidered and personalized!  Its always my go-to place for gifts.  A southern girl’s favorite!!

Another year is launched….another season begins….another chapter opened…..another lesson for me.  Growing pains are hard…..but good!

Schoolbag in hand, she leaves home in the early morning
Waving goodbye with an absent-minded smile
I watch her go with a surge of that well known sadness
And I have to sit down for a while
The feeling that I’m losing her forever
And without really entering her world
I’m glad whenever I can share her laughter
That funny little girl

Slipping through my fingers all the time
I try to capture every minute
The feeling in it
Slipping through my fingers all the time
Do I really see what’s in her mind
Each time I think I’m close to knowing
She keeps on growing
Slipping through my fingers all the time

~ABBA

Summer Surprise

We’ve been plotting for months.  And Ive been teasing her for nearly as long.

“Before school starts, I have a big surprise for you“.

We made a paper chain and she took off a link every day counting down to the day her big surprise would be unveiled.  She had her own assumptions of what it might be.  Love her imaginatively!

(Check out this cute Movie)

The big mystery was that one of my dearest friends and fellow heart-momma Faith, was bringing her daughter Maggie (Evies best buddy) to Thailand for a visit!  Bravely venturing overseas (she doesn’t love flying as much as I do) and leaving her other precious 3 kids in the care of her mom and husband for nearly two weeks was such a blessing to my heart.  Feel so loved that people would give up family vacation time and such resources to come!

The big day dawned early.  I woke Evie at dark-thirty in the morning and hailed a cab to the airport telling her someone was bringing her present to hand off to us.  (not entirely a lie).

early morning anticipation!!!

Good thing I know my child and anticipated what her reaction would be (and warned Faith to prepare Maggie) or her best friend might have misinterpreted her response.   Evie had that “deer in the headlights” response and was completely disarmed to see Maggie run up and throw her arms around her.  It was such an “out of context” experience and it took Evie a few moments to regain her composure.  Evie told me later that she didn’t know it was Maggie for sure until a couple minutes later.  Poor kid, dragged out of bed at 4:30 and expected to have her wits about her 🙂

Five minutes later, the two were arm-in-arm and spent the next 10 days pretty inseparable.

Its rare, but a few times in life, God blesses you with a friendship that defies the boundaries of space and time and distance.  I love that Evie and Maggie have found that kindred spirit in each other at such a young age.  Their special hearts uniquely bond them, but its so much more that makes their precious girlhood friendship a once-in-a-lifetime gift!   These girls….whether in the backwoods of the Carolinas….or the suburbs of Missouri…..or city-slicking it in Bangkok….they are happiest when they are together!

Maggie was a total trooper taking the humidity and heat in stride and embracing our way of life.  Lots of polluted city air bouncing around in open tuk-tuks and lots and lots of walking!  By about day 5 when asked what she wanted to do she said “anything that doesn’t mean we have to do stairs or smells or traffic or waiting”

Welcome to Bangkok darlin’!

And Faith got her own education of transportation in Thai culture!

Thats how we roll!

Our days were full…..and fun……and cultural…..and exhausting…….and crammed with memories.  Faith and I agreed that some memories might be better than the experience themselves.  For example, cramming 9 people into a taxi for an excursion.  We clocked some hours sitting in traffic but managed outings to the zoo, to the legendary Chatachak market, and even a boat trip with 6 girls to the temples…..without loosing anyone!

The Grand Palace

When in Asia, do as the Asians

Princesses at the Palace

Wat Pho

Tired legs hitching a ride

The girls had little bags.  Every night the “camp fairy” would come and deposit something in their bags.  A matching outfit….a bauble or nail polish….or a paper invitation to something like…………..

…..high tea at a fancy hotel…..

…..or an excursion to Mr Jones Orphanage (our favorite bakery/milkshake joint)

Love this girl like one of my own!

….or a girly afternoon at a spa getting manicures…..

They played hard…..

And slept even harder……

Sleeping beauties!

Maggie even got to take a “trial class” with Evie at her dance school.  Can I just tell you, there was something about seeing our “blue babies” dancing together all decked out in pink that got to their melancholy mommas!!

It wouldn’t be a proper visit unless crazy momma got out her camera for a little photoshoot of the cute matching outfits Faith made for the girls.  This is a little sneak peek….you can see more from our rooftop session on my photography page.

C was a great sport to give Faith and I some mommy-time too.  We stole away a night or two for foot massages and a fun ladies night on a rooftop overlooking the sparkling city!   How blessed I am to have this woman in my life.   Its been unlikely circumstances that have knit our hearts together…..the special hearts of our daughters.  Its the “club” we would never have chosen, but the blessing of friendship God has woven into this tapestry of pain is redeeming and beautiful!

One of their last nights, we treated the girls to a late night outing and dinner at sunset overlooking the river.  The girls bravely tried some Thai food (and then needed ice cream an hour later to top off the empty space).  We shopped the Asiatique craft market and took the girls for a ride on the giant ferris wheel spinning high above the towering skyscrapers and city nightscape.

And Maggie was even here to help us welcome home big brother Tristan after his 5 weeks away.  Just another one of the sisters!!

It was a tearful goodbye when we bid our friends farewell.  Faith and I feel the gravity of the distance between us and I think there is always an unspoken notion when we see these two together that there will be more hard bridges to cross in their futures and we don’t know what might transpire before they are again carefree and playing together.  I pray their friendship will be for a lifetime and that God will continue to use their stories, their zeal for life and their overcoming by His grace alone to continue to let their little lights shine!