Pain: The Gift That Few People Want

Last night provided some quiet reflection as I prepared to meet this morning.  This day, January 25th, looms ahead on the calendar every January as a sort of milestone that needs to be passed.  A day I need to put behind me before I can breathe in a fresh new year.  Its a day of remembrance characterized by pain. So much pain!

Most of you know the significance of that day and the events of that evening that sent our life spiraling out of control. 

And as I reflect on all the heartache, both physical and emotional, and can glance back 7 years later at all the redemption and good thats come of it, the nagging question still remains……why pain!?

What is pain?
Medical professionals identify pain as our brain signaling us that something needs attention.  A crippling or imobilizing reaction to an injury that prevents us from doing further harm by ignoring the problem.  Pain can debilitate us, but ultimately, its regarded as a protective measure.

Certainly pain comes in many forms.
Pain of the body.  Physical injury.  Illness.  Handicaps.  Disabilities.
Pain of the heart.  Seeing your child in rebellion.  The loss of a loved one.  Emotional devastation of a break-up.
Pain of the soul.  Unresolved resentment.  Antagonism toward God.  Spiritual misguidance.

So can the same be said of emotional and spiritual pain that is said of physical pain?  Could there be a protective redemptive power in pain, that God uses to shine a spotlight on the problem and allow us the opportunity to address it, in an effort to protect us from continuing in a way that will inflict more damage??  The pain of broken relationships can leave our heart susceptible to the overwhelming, unconditional love of God.  The pain of anxiety and fear shows us that the things which we put our faith in are shakable, and cause us to consider the claim of Christ to be sufficient for all our needs.  The searing pain of loss leads us to ponder the promise and hope of eternity.  Pain has the potential to turn our hearts toward healing in Him….or embitter us.

Why pain?
Pain heightens our senses.  Nerves send signals firing.  Blood rushes to the location of an injury.  Our body reacts in a complicated, intentional way to address a problem.
Ignoring those senses puts us at risk of further damage being done.

The incomprehensible answer to the question of why, seems to be that pain is for our good.  Its not a popular concept.  We want to embrace all the goodness of life and only the good.   But pain can be the key to unlock the deepest places that actually need healing!  Tho its rarely identifiable in the moment, many of us can look back and see that it is the times in life that we’ve experienced the greatest degree of pain, that we’ve sensed the love of God most acutely.

There may perhaps be no greater pain than being a parent and seeing your child suffer.
I vividly remember the sense of profoundly wishing that I could take the place of Evie in all that we watched her endure her first weeks in this heart journey.  Undoubtably, the physical pain would have been more bearable than the emotional trauma of helplessly watching her agonizing and struggling for survival.

I remember the seemingly barbaric tactics that were used to sustain her at times.
~ The stimulating after surgery, wound still raw, to try and get her “revved” up and fighting for her life.  Passivity would prove fatal, so they needed her to cry and cough up the debris from surgery in order to clear lungs.  They would insert suction tubes to pull out junk and jostle her around a bit to get her agitated.  Seeing a baby, intubated, vocal chords paralyzed, visibly “crying” but no sound coming out of their mouth can be nothing less than torturous for a parent!

~ The respiratory therapist would come round the clock whether Evie was awake or finally resting peacefully.  She’d lay Evie – chest over her cupped hand – and pound on her back for several minutes to help expel mucous and secretions in her lungs.  This is a couple days out from surgery.  Broken breast bone.  Stitches.  Infected wound site.

~Evie struggled to maintain a normal, sinus heart rhythm and several times, slipped into a dangerous tachychardia. Her heart rate skyrocketed past the 200’s.  We watched the nurses try an unconventional maneuver to try to “shock” her heart back into a healthy rhythm.  They immersed Evies face in ice water for a couple of seconds. (gasp!!!) Child kicking, flailing, smothering.  Oh the trauma!  But this is a means they’ve seen effective on many babies to trigger a healthy heartbeat and avoid the next step – stopping the heart with medication and restarting it.

And as a mother, I stood by helplessly and watched. I couldn’t intervene. I couldn’t take her suffering.  In the simplest, most helpless form, I had to trust.  Had to trust that the doctors knew far better than I.  That the measures they were taking, were inflicting pain, but ultimately for her good.  And that to sabotage these painful procedures, I would be endangering and compromising her.

Would I trust God any less than I would trust these wonderful but nonetheless, human doctors who are capable of making mistakes?  Who am I to shake an angry finger at God when pain seems unbearable?  We want to short-circuit the pain.  The pain that God allows in our lives does not always come with a compassionate, step-by-step explanation of the “whys” as did the aforementioned procedures Evie was forced to endure.  (Trust me, had not our favorite nurse been holding my hand and explaining the method behind the madness in some of these, Id have surely intervened.)  But the pain that God allows in our life can be far less explainable and the temptation is to believe that pain is something to be avoided.  Because, we’re conditioned to believe that a loving God wouldn’t allow pain….right?  But, would a loving doctor forego a procedure to cut a 6 inch incision down a baby’s torso, sawing through her breastbone to repair her heart because he didnt want to cause her pain?  Would a loving doctor deny prescribing 15 oral medication doses a day because its unpalatable for a tiny baby?  Would a loving doctor dismiss wound care because scrubbing a gaping sore will surely cause irritation and discomfort? 
 In a rational dimension, we justify these barbaric techniques because we trust the doctor. We have answers. We feel they are justified. And yet, these are men who are fallible.
Can the loving Father-heart of God who sent His son to die for us and reconcile us to Him be trusted any less?

There will be some answers to pain that we’ll never understand on this side of eternity.   Some things just don’t make sense!  Pain shakes us.  It rattles us to our core.  It strips off all pretense and leaves us raw and bleeding and broken and real.  And in that vulnerable “realness” God begins to unveil the invisible cancers that are eating away at us because……He cares more about our wholeness and spiritual healing than our temporal, earthly comfort and preferences.  The compassionate heart of God allows us to experience our need for Him.  His motivation always, always to see us brought to completeness in Him. 
 He unmasks the malignancies that have hardened our hearts.  If we will allow pain to run its full course…..pressing into our Creator in a trust that won’t always come with answers, then and only then will we begin to glimpse the purpose in pain.  The redemptive purposes in this undesirable gift.  The severe mercy that stops at nothing to see our redemption and healing and reconciliation with God!  Jesus is described as a man of sorrows.  He knew pain

Cutest Cake Boss

Oh this girl!!  How very, very loved she is!  Not a day goes by that I don’t look back on some level at how far she’s come.  Birthdays are a chance to remember.  To celebrate.  And to thank God for another year He’s strengthened and sustained her!

And party we did!!!

Evie had an intimate gathering of a few school friends and we met up at The Learning Academy for a cooking class.  This was my kind of party because it meant I got to do the fun part for me (selecting cute aprons, collecting decorations, planning and organizing), and someone else did the kid-corraling when it was party time!!  I assumed my favorite party-position…..behind the lens!

Brook and Sarah were phenomenal with the kids.  So very patient and engaging.  I loved that they really let the kids do the cooking….all of it.  No micro-managing or prep already done.  There was flour flying,  giggles abounding, sugar sprinkles on the floor and busy, sticky fingers hard at work.  Controlled chaos = so much fun!

And you know what I loved even more….that the mess was in their kitchen, not mine!! 🙂

Ive heard a lot of inquires lately about where to do kid parties around here in Bangkok as we’re often limited to indoor activities being that the weather is what it is.  Moms, you must check out The Learning Academy!!  In addition to birthday parties, they offer ongoing kids cooking classes and maid cooking classes as well!!

While our cupcakes and cookies baked, Sarah took the girls outside for a little Zumba dance-off and some pottery painting.  Don’t think we could have possibly crammed more fun into our two hour party!!

Big-brother Tristan is a favorite among Evie’s friends.  He’s got quite a little fan-club!

Sisters got in on the sweet-shop prep as well.

Sweet Success.

What’s not to love about cupcakes and sugar cookies before lunch time?!

Great start to the day!!

Christmas Recap (and some big news)

Our Christmas was quiet.  Unusually relaxing.  And beautifully simple.

As we awoke Christmas morning to the same hum of power tools on the construction site next door and the traffic sounds on the street below, I was struck by the oblivion of the people around me carrying on with their normal tasks like any other day.  A poignant reminder that the first Christmas really, is so far from the ideals of Norman Rockwell paintings and Martha Stewart publications.  The birth of Jesus didnt bring society screeching to a halt.  Bethlehem carried on unaware of a king in their midst.  There was no hallelujah chorus heralding his birth.  Christ was born into meager, humble surroundings.  And life forever changed and hope was born because of God incarnate.  So grateful to know the joy in which we celebrate.   Immanuel – God with us!

On our way to Christmas Eve candlelight service.

Milk & cookies for Santa….and carrots of course!

Torture the kids “sit still for a photo first” shot before opening stockings.

The big gift…..a little game to reveal….

WE’RE GOING HOME THIS SUMMER FOR A VISIT!!!!!

Priceless reactions!

A little hoola competition to work up an appetite before breakfast!

Evie got a Disney Princess book with a very special message inside….

She needed a little help from big sister Abi to decipher the message…..

Big reaction from our little Wish kid!!

Evie’s amazing Wish coordinator has kept tabs on us for the last two years.  We let her know we were going to be Stateside this summer and she advocated for those dates.  Evie’s big wish will come true in July!!!  A Disney cruise to meet the princesses and ride a waterside!!  She is beyond ecstatic!  It will be the trip of a lifetime and we’re so humbled and grateful our girl is a recipient of such an amazing gift!!

The pajama brigade