Saturday, March 14, 2009
In the early hours as the drama began to unfold and we faced the near certainty that we were going to loose our daughter, I vividly remember the temptation to bargain with God. I fought the urge to make a deal…to promise anything in exchange for sparing Evie.
How arrogant of me to even entertain the idea that our Mighty God could be bribed!
I knew God didn’t want my all compelled by fear or selfish gain. Had I vainly made promises, (Fine, I will go be a missionary in India!!) they would be a burden; merely be scores to keep even. There is nothing I have to offer that God needs. Nothing I can do to earn approval. The relationship He desires with me is unconditional.
This began a period of profoundly deep soul searching. I have contemplated the reality that there is no promise of tomorrow with Evie (or with any of my other children for that matter.) This has forced me to consider what my response would be if our daughter’s life were taken from us. What would the ramifications have on my faith?
I know the sufficiency of grace my God promises would be enough, tho I cant fathom being tested in that way and I grieve for the families who’s little sweet-hearts have been taken to heaven at such a young age. Of course our prayers were for a miracle,
…for Evie’s life to be saved,
…for her heart to be healed.
But, as C and I leaned over her bed in critical care, we faced uncertainty asking for more…that her life (on earth or taken from us) would be a testimony
to God’s Character
to His Faithfulness
to His Sovereignty no matter what the outcome.
My sister recently presented Evie with a unique gift; a visual story that she hopefully will be able to one day tell. A remembrance. A monument of sorts. Beads of Courage is an organization begun for cancer patients and Katherine adopted the idea for sweet Evie. Dozens and dozens of beads strung together tell the story of her year as a heart baby representing the following:
-2 weeks in ICU
-2 weeks in step down
-10 days in various hospitals (Atlanta, Los Angeles, Columbia)
-4 urinary catheter procedures
-15 chest X-rays
-4 blood transfusions
-1 CAT scan
-6 times on the respirator
-2 insertions of NG feeding tube
-1 shunt (through leg to heart)
-1 Life Flight transport in helicopter
I stand in awe of all that God has done in answering prayer. His presence has been a reality through the most trying experience of my life. On this side I look back and and desire to live daily in an attitude of offering my Lord with reckless abandon (out of love and gratitude rather than selfish gain) my all!
….come what may!